Wellness

I have more than 2000 saved posts on Instagram in a category I named “Wellness.” I started this category before I knew I wanted to divorce my now ex-husband; before I noticed how problematic some of his behaviors toward me were. 

The posts in this category include ones about codependency and boundary-setting, parenting and reparenting, and anxiety manifestations and management. 

The oldest post that Instagram will let me see is from 2019. Among other topics, it covers the “comfort zone” — the place in your life where you feel safe and in control but sacrifice growth for this feeling. 

I don’t believe it’s hyperbole to say I never feel safe and in control. Sometimes I feel safe when I am distracted from my anxieties by some kind of absorbing activity like television, exercise, or work (there are obviously other such activities, too) and I do feel in control when I’m using my calendar as a planning tool or putting my outfit for the day together. It seems like it would be fleeting and fictional to feel both at once, though. 

The next section of the graphic is the “fear zone” — this I can relate to. I have been changing my life a lot since I saved this post in 2019. All sparked by the realization that nearly all my life decisions have been based on fear. “Screw that!” I said, and I started changing things. And the more I changed the easier it got. 

… Not really. I wish that were true, but very few changes in life are linear. There are things I am a lot happier about now: I love living on my own as compared to living with my ex; my divorce combined with the pandemic has revealed who my true friends are and I’ve discovered I have many dependable and supportive people in my life — more than I may have imagined. 

I’m proud of the work I’ve done researching childhood trauma and applying that knowledge to my own life, but I find myself more consciously anxious (and even depressed) now than I was two years ago. This might seem like a step in the wrong direction, but I see it as a sign of growth — I’ve become more in touch with how I actually feel, even though it is unpleasant, uncomfortable, and sometimes downright scary. 

Furthermore I’ve now got two feet squarely planted in the graphic’s next zone — the “learning zone.” In addition to academic learning, which I’ve always thought of myself as “good” at (the antithesis of growth mindset, but that is for a later post), I’ve started trying to learn physical skills through working out. One that I’m particularly proud of is rope climbing. 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m far from reaching the top of the rope, but I’ve gotten stronger and am on the way there. More importantly I have taken directions and applied them to my efforts, and I see the path towards my goal of reaching the ceiling. 

The last zone is the “growth zone” which promises such fruits as “living your dreams,” and “conquering objectives.” All of this seems very tied up in having dreams and objectives, which is something I’ve always struggled with: believing I am worthy enough to want things. 

But who knows? After two and a half years of collecting pearls of wisdom from the internet (in addition to research, reading, and tons of self work), I seem to be on my way there.